From birth until about the age of 6, children take in information effortlessly.
Dr. Montessori referred to this as the absorbent mind. From birth to the they do this completely unconsciously.
The ease with which a toddler learns gives us opportunities as well as responsibilities.
Opportunities because they absorb with such ease the language around them (building a rich vocabulary and understanding), how we handle furniture and objects (ideally with care), how we treat others (ideally with respect and kindness), where we put things (creating order), and the beauty of the environment around them.
Responsibilities because, as Dr. Montessori points out, a sponge can absorb dirty water as easily as it can clean water. A child will pick up negative experiences as easily as positive experiences. They can even pick up our feelings and attitudes, for example, when we drop something and get frustrated with ourselves (as opposed to forgiving ourselves) or if we have a fixed mind-set that we are bad at drawing (as opposed to a growth mind-set where we might show that we can always keep improving our skills).
We can therefore be mindful, as much as possible, to be positive role models for our young children, to provide beauty, and to offer kindness for them to absorb.
"It is the child's way of learning. This is the path he follows. He learns everything without knowing he is learning it... treading always in the paths of joy and love."
-Dr. Maria Montessori, The Absorbent Mind
Follow the child-let them lead.
Encourage hands-on learning-let them explore.
Include the child in daily life-let them be included.
Go slow-let them set their own pace.
Help me to help myself-let them be independent and responsible.
Encourage creativity--let them wonder.
Observe-let them show us.
"Nothing can take away initiative as fast as when we redo something that they did."
-Jean K. Miller/Marianne White Dunlap, The Power of Conscious Parenting
Since the 1970s and '80s, there has been a big push for parents to praise their child to build the child's self-esteem. So we hear parents saying, "good job," "good boy," "good girl." In Dutch, they even have a phrase: "goed zo." We say it in response to everything.
We praise children for their paintings, for flushing the toilet, we applaud them, and we declare every physical feat a triumph.
These types of praise are extrinsic motivators that do not come from within the child themselves.
Alfie Kohn wrote a useful article, "Five Reasons to Stop Saying 'Good Job!"" in which he points out that:
• Praise can actually be used to manipulate children when we use it as a bargaining tool to motivate them.
• It can create praise junkies.
• Praise can actually take the joy away, with children looking to us for reassurance rather than experiencing delight at what they have achieved.
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Children can become less motivated when they do something for praise, because it removes the meaning for themselves.
Praise can lower achievement-when an activity is tied to the pressure to perform, the child's interest or pleasure in the activity goes down, or they take fewer risks.
Montessori teachers believe instead that a child will learn to behave if we help to develop their intrinsic motivation-their internal radar that tells them that something is right (or wrong) and recognizes what helps (or hurts) themselves or someone else.
What we can say instead...
It can be surprising at first how often we find ourselves saying "good job." When we start to be conscious of it, we can choose to change it. When looking for alternatives, the best guide is to think about what we would say to another adult when giving them feedback.
Here are some ideas that I first learned from the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. What I love about these suggestions is that they let the child know more specifically what we appreciate and give the child vocabulary that is so much richer than simply "good job."
Describe what we see Focus on the process rather than the product and describe what our child has done.
Give feedback by using positive and factual descriptions of the child's actions and accomplishments.
"You took your plate to the kitchen."
"You look really pleased with yourself."
"You got dressed all by yourself."
"You put the blocks in the basket and put them back on the shelf."
"You used blue and red paint. I see a swirl over here."
Sum it up with a word "You packed your bag and are ready to go to the beach. Now, that's what I call independence!"
"You helped your grandma with her bag. Now, that's what I call being thoughtful."
"You wiped up the water on the floor with the mop without me asking. That's what I call being resourceful."
Describe how we feel "I am so excited for you."
"It's a pleasure to walk into the living room when everything has been put away."
ROLES AND LABELS
Another part of accepting a child for who they are means seeing them without any preconceived judgments or ideas about them.
As the adults in their lives, we need to be careful about labeling our children.
We likely have someone in our life who has been labeled "the clown," "the shy one," "the naughty one." Even positive labels can be difficult to always live up to (e.g., "the clever one," "the athletic one").
These labels can last a lifetime-something the child never grows out of.
Instead, we can give them another view of themselves. Recall stories with them of times when they have been successful in difficult areas. Let them overhear us tell someone how they worked hard to overcome an obstacle. For example, we can say, "I liked watching you carry that glass so carefully to the table with two hands," to a child who might otherwise be labeled clumsy.
Labels are commonly used with siblings, too. Once a new baby is born into the family, a young child suddenly becomes the "big brother/sister." It is a huge responsibility to have to behave all the time and show their sibling how to be a "big kid." Instead of always leaving the eldest in charge, for example, while we are in the bathroom, we can get children to look after each other, regardless of their age. We can make sure that younger children also take on ageappropriate responsibilities rather than leaving everything to the eldest.
Without connection, we get very little cooperation; without trust, setting limits becomes difficult.
"If you've told a child a thousand times, and the child still has not learned, then it is not the child who is the slow learner."
-Walter B. Barbe
