Forgiveness in Conflict
Conflict is unavoidable. We all have the 2 year old inside of us that wants their own way.
Romans 12:18 NLT
[18] Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
What do we do when conflict can't be resolved neatly?
God doesn't put forgiveness on a sliding scale based on severity or intent. It all goes in the same bucket.
It may be easy to dismiss the message this morning with "you just don't understand". We each have pain that is unique.
Bag of Rocks
The discipline of living out of a backpack is enjoyable. But we can tend to overpack. Need to learn what is reasonable to carry. Need to lighten the load.
A bag of rocks would not be helpful. Would you ever choose to pack a bag of rocks?
But sometimes we choose to carry a bag of rocks in our lives. Every day, all day long. We carry it to breakfast, to work, to family, to bed.
These rocks represent unforgiven conflict. They do nothing for you.
We have all met people who are determined to bring hurt and bitterness and pain with them wherever they go. They will not give up their back of rocks. "I deserve the right to be angry about this!"
But carrying this bag of rocks does not make you win. The perpetrator does not carry the bag of rocks, you do.
Why is it so hard to drop the bag of rocks?
Because forgiveness is hard.
Proverbs 18:19 NLT
[19] An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars.
Forgiveness doesn't feel natural. It feels like letting someone off the hook.
Our relationships are based on our ability to ask for and extend forgiveness.
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.
the process of reconciliation
Matthew 18:15-17 NLT
[15] “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. [16] But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. [17] If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.
- Go privately first
- Go with others
- Go to the church
The goal is not to win the argument, but to restore the relationship.
forgiveness is uncomfortable
After Jesus tells the parable above, Peter then asks:
Matthew 18:21 NLT
[21] Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”
In King Fu movies, the bad guy does something to the good guy and then the whole movie is about revenge. This is how we can start to see the world, and those who wronged us. This is our picture of "justice". We want to see someone hurt worse than they hurt us.
In the passage above, Peter is trying to find the limits we can put on grace. What's the threshold where we get to stop forgiving?
Sometimes humility feels weak. Forgiveness feels like forfeiting.
Matthew 18:22 NLT
[22] “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!
Jesus' response is that there is no limit to how much we should forgive.
forgiveness may not look the way you think
Forgiveness is like meeting someone for the first time. It means to start over.
Grace to another and freedom to ourselves.
Forgiveness is not dependent on conditions being met. Or a promise that it will never happen again. "I will forgive, if..." is not forgiveness.
Forgiveness does not require the offense to be forgotten. Things that need forgiveness are not trivial. You can't 'try' to forget anything. But if you don't release them, you end up resembling them. It is not forgetting, but letting go. You do not let it be a part of you.
Forgiveness is not removing consequences. Saying "no big deal" is not forgiveness.
Forgiveness does not mean we no longer feel pain. Our forgiveness is not contingent on our feelings. Joseph was still weeping 4 years after his brothers sold him into slavery, but demonstrated extreme forgiveness.
Forgiveness does not always end in restored trust and relationship. Trust needs to be rebuilt.
Time + believable behavior = trust
Forgiveness is not approval. Not pretending. Not denying. Not refusing to press charges. Not going back to how things were.
forgiveness is a big deal
Matthew 18:23-25 NLT
[23] “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. [24] In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. [25] He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.
The servant found himself in a debt that he could never repay.
Sin, no matter how small, creates an insurmountable debt to God.
Matthew 18:26-27 NLT
[26] “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ [27] Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.
The servant pleads, but would never be able to repay this. The master cancels the debt and lets him go.
What? Why?
The servant makes empty promises, and he gets let go?
What does the master do the thing that the servant doesn't even ask for? The spirit of forgiveness is found in the forgiver, not the forgiven. Forgiveness is a big deal .
This story is the story of the gospel. YOU have been forgiven in the same way, but even greater.
Our sin is bigger than we can imagine. It costs us more than we can pay.
Psalms 103:11-12 NLT
[11] For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. [12] He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.
forgiveness is a big deal, but so is unforgiveness
2 Timothy 3:1-5 NLT
[1] You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. [2] For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. [3] They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. [4] They will betray their friends, be reckless, be puffed up with pride, and love pleasure rather than God. [5] They will act religious, but they will reject the power that could make them godly. Stay away from people like that!
Matthew 18:28-34 NLT
[28] “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. [29] “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. [30] But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. [31] “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. [32] Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. [33] Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ [34] Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.
The servant spits on the masters forgiveness. He does not do the same.
Matthew 18:35 NLT
[35] “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”
Forgiveness is hard, but for followers of Jesus it is non-negotiable.
If we want people to suffer, it contradicts the gospel and confuses a watching world.
Why do we forgive others? Because we understand how deeply we have been forgiven ourselves.
Ephesians 4:31-32 NLT
[31] Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. [32] Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
This message is hard. Some things are utterly wicked and evil. But we must never forget what it cost Jesus.
Jesus' dying words were "father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing". Even as he said those words, the crowds mocked and jeered at him. The people who put him to death were quite pleased with themselves.
Luke 23:34 NLT
[34] Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice.
Grace received must be grace displayed. Unforgiveness doesn't just affect our lives, it affects everything we touch.